Who is this person anyway?

In my recent rereading of the Parker Palmers book, The Courage to Teach, I realized that I have lost a bit of myself to the pedagogy of teaching. In other words, I have gotten so wrapped up in what I am being told to do as far as the technical practices of teaching, that I have, in fact, lost some of my purpose as a teacher. Not that I do not still value the reasons that I became a teacher, but at times I find myself struggling to reconcile my inner teacher with the outside forces that are placed on me as a part of the system.

In the book, Palmer begins by saying that the question that he will seek to answer is, "Who is the self that teaches?". As he states, that is a question often ignored during trainings and workshops. It is much more likely that educators will sit and discuss questions like, "What will we teach?", "How will we teach?", and sometimes "why do we teach?". Rarely do we allow time for the question of "Who". Palmer asserts that the "who" question is harder to answer than the others because it involves a great deal of self discovery, as well as, a willingness to engage in conversations about all parts of our teaching selves- intellect, emotion, and spirituality. Palmer states, "Good teaching cannot be reduced to technique; good teaching comes from the identity and integrity of the teacher". What a true statement.

This is where I have been left to work on my inner teacher, the part of me that does not get attention during the hours of workshops/seminars/and trainings which occur every school year. The part of me that builds relationships with my students and creates excitement in my classroom. Parker proposes that this conversation should begin with a look at the people who inspired us as learners. Parker, however, does not simply ask the question, "Who is your mentor?". Rather, he asks the question, "What was it about you that allowed good mentoring to happen?". Parker describes the mentoring relationship as, "one of mutuality".

I have now been on both sides of the mentoring spectrum and can honestly say that I completely agree. As a mentor this past year I was more energized and motivated for my career and my students. And looking back on my time as a student, I can say that the reason my "role model" or mentor was so impactful on my life is because I was at a time in life when I was ready to see change in my own life. My mentor gave me the opportunity to make a difference, and being that I was just 12 years old, that felt incredible. So much of childhood is spent being told that as a child you aren't old enough, big enough, smart enough, etc. And this teacher was constantly telling students that they were old enough, big enough, smart enough...and just enough. It was this teacher that helped me to realize my passion for helping others. Because of his passion for making an impact in anyway that he could, I was energized and have tried to carry that energy throughout my day to day life. This is the part of myself that often feels pushed out or weighed down by all of those outside forces. I find myself struggling to accomodate the part of me that wants to please those in superior positions at the same time as being committed to teaching and nurturing the learners with whom I have contact.

For now, I have started by acknowledging that a small part of me has been lost to the system. Going forward, after acknowleding, I will continue to try and bring my identity as a teacher- intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually- together into an undivided self.